


Thoughts

by OldWomanJosie



Category: Psych
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-30
Updated: 2015-05-30
Packaged: 2018-04-01 23:35:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4038904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OldWomanJosie/pseuds/OldWomanJosie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stream of consciousness thoughts of Shawn Spencer while lying awake.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Thoughts

Shawn Spencer lay idly on his back and stared up at the ceiling. Wondering what to do with his life from this moment onward. Of course, seeing as it was one thirty in the morning, the logical thing to do would be sleep. But Shawn found he couldn't sleep. Not yet. Not now.

Like every kid, he'd had big dreams through school. Oh yeah, he'd grow up and cure cancer. Be a private eye. Save the world. Become president. Become the guy everyone wanted to be.

Instead he'd become the guy no one wanted to be.

High school had been a struggle and he'd graduated by the skin of his teeth. Part of that was his insistence on doing fun stuff rather than applying himself. The other part was the fact that if he screwed his school work, he didn't stand a chance of ever getting into the Police Academy. Made his dad mad as hell. Which was why he did it.

After he graduated, reality hit. What now? More school? Get a job flipping burgers somewhere? Join the military? God forbid; that'd be too much like being a cop. 

School was out too. He'd just gotten out of the damn place and he sure didn't want to let himself back in for four years of mindless drudgery. And for what? A piece of paper for all his work. Granted, it was a piece of paper that would get him a better job, but would it be fun?

Shawn's life had always revolved around fun. Was it fun? Is it awesomely cool? These questions drove his actions. Seldom did he think long term and when he did, it was rarely serious. He seemed allergic to 'real work' and could never finish a job unless he was absolutely interested. That happened less often than everyone else would have liked.

In some ways, this suited Shawn just fine. Hell, it was his life, he should have a say in how it was lived. If everyone else thought he was a failure, well, screw them, right? But he also felt that in failing them, he failed himself. If he didn't live up to his potential (and he had to admit, he had some pretty amazing potential), wasn't he letting himself down? Couldn't he be better than this if he tried?

Did he want to be better than this?

What was this, anyway? He was the guy no one ever wanted to be. He'd had over a hundred different jobs, none steady. He'd bounced from place to place for years, always restlessly looking for something. He wasn't sure what he was looking for. A passion? A place to call home? Somebody to love? Contentment?

Ah, contentment. It was the one thing he had always lacked. Everything in his life was always too boring, too stupid, too tedious for him. He had to be the one to spice it up, to make people laugh.

He hadn't always been this crazy. He used to be normal. Then he realized that normal didn't get you any attention whatsoever. Normal didn't make anyone appreciate you. Didn't make anyone love you.

So he grew bolder. He used his memory to impress people, started doing random things, started flirting, started trying to act cooler than he felt.

And you know what he found out?

Abnormal didn't get you any points either.

Sure, everyone paid attention. They paid attention because they thought he was a freak starved for attention and affection. Which, while true, was hardly the point. The girls paid attention to him because he was hot, but nothing ever lasted.

Shawn wanted something that would last, that would endure. Despite his desperate need for attention and his denial that he ever wanted to settle down, he wanted someone to adore him unconditionally.

Such a person didn't exist.

His mother was barely around. His father was always berating him for something he'd done wrong. Again. Gus was sweet, his best friend, but he worried too much and really, he didn't understand. He couldn't understand. Because Gus was just another guy.

Shawn needed a girl to be by his side. Someone to hold onto. Someone he could tell everything to and she would pull him into a hug and say it was all okay, nothing he did would ever push her away. Someone he could shower with all the affection and love he'd ever felt for anyone and never shown. Someone who would be delighted with the way he chattered throughout TV shows or the way he loaded the dishwasher (if he bothered to do so). Someone who would want to hear everything he ever wanted to say and never get bored.

Shawn needed a friend. He needed a lady.

The man curled onto his side on the hotel bed. Silent tears stained the pillowcase beneath his head. Shawn Spencer cried because he knew that he would never find a woman like that. That such a one did not exist. Who could be so interested in the life of one Shawn Spencer? He wasn't even sure that he was interested himself. How could anyone else be?


End file.
